journey to motherhood (part 1)

I’ve dreamed of becoming a mother for as long as I can remember. I truly feel it is one of my greatest callings in life… if not, THE greatest calling in life.

I married my husband in 2017 (at 21 years old) and knew he wasn’t quite ready to start a family. We had talked about it on many occasions and ultimately decided to wait a few years before trying to conceive. We decided to start trying in January 2021. I had the timeline all mapped out in my mind and was fully convinced we would be having a fall baby that year. I didn’t think I would have any problem getting pregnant and felt so excited during the two week wait to test. I spent those two weeks looking at all the pregnancy, delivery, and baby things online, dreaming of what the next several months of my life would look like.

I was absolutely devastated when my period came. I can still remember that day so clearly. How numb I felt, both physically and emotionally. I felt like I just floated throughout that day… in a complete daze, trying to figure out what went wrong. 

At this point, we hadn’t shared with anyone that we were trying to conceive. I felt so isolated. I found myself unsure of how to communicate to my husband how I was feeling about it all, so he had no idea what turmoil was going on inside of me. 

I’m not sure why, but I had this thought come to me that it was going to take a few years to start a family. In hindsight, I think it was a message from God, giving me a glimpse of the plan ahead. I listened to the song “wait on you” by Elevation Worship + Maverick City Music on repeat that year. Trying to surrender to a plan greater than my own. Easier said than done.

I spent way too much time Googling infertility, ways to improve fertility, average length of time for someone to conceive at my age (26 at the time), and so on. Some of it was helpful information, and some of it scared the shit out of me.

I let a few months pass before scheduling an appointment with the local birth center so I could chat with a provider about why I haven’t conceived yet.

Let me preface this by saying I feel most supported in an “alternative” healthcare setting. I generally prefer to choose “the path of most peace” when it comes to my health… and I feel most at peace with a holistic form of care. Western medicine does not align with my values most of the time, so I chose to start this journey by seeing a midwife to begin the conversation about what I can do to improve my fertility.

We began to focus on my painful periods and signs of endometriosis. My provider wanted to create a more solid foundation of cycles before looking further into infertility concerns. We talked about period improvement from a number of facets- stress management, some supplementation options, period products (like a period cup or free bleed panties), reassigning meaning to this phase in my cycle (adjusting my belief systems about my period to promote healing), and so on.

We allowed a few months to pass to see if there was any improvement in my cycles. While there was some slow but steady improvement, I wanted to see if I could get some more answers about my fertility.

My provider ordered some labs to look at hormone levels, thyroid function, vitamin and mineral levels, and probably a few other things that I just can’t recall at this point. Things looked good overall. This is always good news, and frustrating news. How can things look good if my body is clearly not functioning properly?

December 2021 rolled around. 12 months of trying to conceive with no known pregnancy is considered “infertility”. My provider referred me to a fertility specialist for more specific testing.

It was at this point that I finally decided to share with my immediate family what we were experiencing. It felt like a weight had been lifted in many ways… looking back, it feels kind of silly to not share with my family? But I think it boils down to family culture but also the overall culture around pregnancy… I don’t come from a family that shares these kinds of things with each other, so it felt strange to be vulnerable in that way. As a society, it seems a little taboo to talk about trying to conceive… like it needs to be some weird secret until you successfully conceive and make it past the first trimester. 

I’ve started shifting these beliefs as well. I tend to think there’s a lot of healing to be had when being vulnerable with others. Opening up to others even when it feels a little uncomfortable. Creating community and opportunity for others to reach out and say “oh my gosh, I’m going through the same thing- thank you so much for sharing”. Since sharing about my experience over the past few years, I’ve come across many women who felt so alone in their own journey, and were grateful that I was putting a voice to their experience.

My journey to motherhood has been an intense period of refinement, surrender, trust, and growth. 

God put motherhood on my heart for a reason. I know the day will come.

Xo

Kayla