stress versus the stressor
I often find that the stress response and the stressor are confused as the same thing. But really, they are two very different sides of the same overall concern. Many people think “well if I just get rid of this stressor, then all my stress will go away”. But that’s not always the case… it’s a little more nuanced than that.
The stressor is the external personal, place, situation, etc. that’s eliciting a stress response in your mind and body. Some stressors are relatively minor, like sitting in traffic, leaving your grocery list at home, a small disagreement with someone, a broken appliance… you get it. However, some stressors are much bigger and can start feeling suffocating and completely overwhelming… like having a major health concern or chronic pain, going through a significant career change, not being able to make the bills this month, welcoming a child into the world, a relationship starting or ending, relocating, and so on.
What’s important to note about external stressors is that they aren’t all necessarily “bad” or “harmful”. Some stressors can be the most beautiful chapter in life, but bring on stress because it’s new and uncharted territory. So think about things like marriage, childbirth, a new and exciting job, relocating to a place you’ve always dreamed of… these are all very exciting events in life, but they naturally come with a bit of a stress response.
From the stressor, comes the stress response. The stress response looks a little different from person to person, but in an oversimplified description, your nervous system is ramped up, entering the “fight or flight” mode, just trying to get you through the stressful event. In the heat of it, the physiological changes look like increased heart rate, your breathing becomes shallow and quick, and your brain shifts its resources to focus on the “survival” mechanisms. The behavioral stress response might look like snapping at others (highly irritable and agitated), checking out/escapist behaviors (e.g., substance use, doom scrolling/binge watching TV, excessive spending, etc.), binge eating, procrastinating, and so on. These are generally no-so-helpful ways we experience stress.
If left unchecked, it can become a real problem.
So, back to my original point- You may have addressed or eliminated a stressor, but your mind and body are still in the cycle of the stress response. Why does this happen? Well, because you need to actively work to “complete” the stress response cycle. This could be through relaxation and calming techniques (maybe breathwork, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.) or through discharging that stressed energy (maybe intense exercise, going for a walk, etc.) or through reaching out to your community for social support. It’s about finding what method(s) works best for you.
Similarly, you may be in a situation where you can’t really change or eliminate the stressor. In these cases, it’s important to focus on what you can control. It’s important to shift from a mentality of “this is happening TO me and I can’t do anything about it” to “while I can’t control those circumstances, I CAN control what I’m doing to manage my stress”. And again, this would look like employing those stress management techniques that work best for you so you can begin to recalibrate your nervous system.
Major life stressors or an accumulation of more minor stressors can feel so overwhelming and defeating. Many people find themselves in this sort of “functional freeze” state, where you’re just trying to make it through each day. If this resonates and you’re looking for support, I’d love to chat! You can schedule a free 30 minute private consult so we can talk about how I can best support you.
Pause for reflection:
What is your main source of stress at this time in life?
What are some no-so-helpful ways you tend to manage stress? (e.g., escapist behaviors, procrastination, etc.)
What are some helpful or effective ways you manage stress? (e.g., exercising, social support, etc.)
Xo
Kayla
